RESCUE VOICE MAIL !!!!

You have reached 123-4567, Rene, Clint and Helping Dogs. Due to the high
volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the
following options and choose the one that best describes your situation:

Press 1 if you think we are veterinarians and want free medical advice.

Press 2 if you know we are a rescue organization but want to save money and
have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway.

Press 3 if you make $200,000 a year but still want us to pay to spay the
"stray" in your yard (house).

Press 4 if you have a 10-year-old Rottweiler and your 15-year-old son has
suddenly become allergic and you need to find the Rottweiler a new home
right away.

Press 5 if you have three Rottweilers, had a baby and want to get rid of
your Rottweilers because you are the only person in the world to have a baby
and Rottweilers at the same time.

Press 6 if you have three Rottweilers, had a baby and want to place the
baby.

Press 7 if you have a dying Rottweiler and you want to place it into another
home so you can save the medical costs and not go through the trauma of
watching it die.

Press 8 if you just got a brand new puppy and your old Rottweiler is having
problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.

Press 9 if your Rottweiler puppy has grown up and is no longer small and
cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 10 if you are elderly and want to adopt a Rottweiler puppy who is not
active and is going to outlive you.

Press 11 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for their
elderly Rottweiler because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

Press 12 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 100
pound, 8-year-old Rottweiler.

Press 13 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today and pick
up the Rottweiler you no longer want.

Press 14 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the last
year, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your Rottweiler.

Press 15 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I
have to go to work so you can drop a Rottweiler off on your way to work.

Press 16 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have
left a Rottweiler in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact,
better than just leaving the Rottweiler with no message.

Press 17 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your
Rottweiler that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not our
responsibility.

Press 18 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old Rottweiler
to be euthanized because I won't take it.

Press 19 if you're going to get angry because the volunteers had the
audacity to go on vacation and leave the Rottweilers in care of a trusted
volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet.

Press 20 if you want one of our perfectly trained, housebroken, kid and cat
friendly purebred Rottweilers that we have an abundance of.

Press 21 if you want us to take your Rottweiler that has a slight aggression
problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor's cats.

Press 22 if you have already called once and been told we don't take
personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this time
with a different answer.

Press 23 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to board your
personal Rottweiler while you are on varcation, free of charge, of course.

Press 24 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to deliver
an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before your kids wake up.

Press 25 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby bunny
for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.

Press 26 if you want us to take your female Rottweiler who has already had
ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and it is
against your religion.

Press 27 if you're lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel bad and
take your personal pet off your hands.

Press 28 if your cat is biting and not using the litterbox because it is
declawed, but are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat's
behavior is altered because of your nice furniture.

Press 29 if your two year old male Rottweiler is marking all over your house
but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.

Press 30 if you previously had an outdoor only Rottweiler and are calling
because she is suddenly pregnant.

Press 31 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your Rottweiler and
have had
no success but you don't want to crate the dog because it is cruel.

Press 32 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening phone
number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working
and you are angry because no one called you back.

Press 33 if you need a puppy immediately and cannot wait because today is
your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 34 if your Rottweiler doesn't match your new furniture and you need a
different color or breed.

And finally, press 35 if your new boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't like your
Rottweiler and you are too stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will
dump you in the next month anyway) instead of the Rottweiler.

For those of you laughing or shaking your heads in disbelief, please be
assured ALL of these calls have happened, except for No. 6.